Supporting a Friend with a NICU Baby: Do’s and Don’ts

When a friend has a baby in the NICU, it’s a time filled with mixed emotions—joy, anxiety, hope, and worry all at once. I remember supporting a close friend who spent countless days and nights in the NICU, holding onto hope while feeling helpless. For the parents, it can be an incredibly overwhelming experience, and as friends, we want to be there for them, even if we don’t fully understand the weight of their journey.

Navigating how to support them can be tricky, but small gestures can make a big difference. Here are some essential dos and don’ts to keep in mind when offering support to a friend with a NICU baby.

Do’s

1. Check In Without Expectations

   Sometimes, the best support is a simple, thoughtful message. Send them a quick text or note to let them know you’re thinking of them without expecting a response. Try something like, “I’m thinking of you today—no response needed, just sending love.” This kind of message lets them know they have your support without the added pressure of having to reply when they’re busy or emotionally drained.

   
   

2. Offer Practical Help

   NICU parents are often spending long hours at the hospital, which means they may have less time to keep up with daily responsibilities. Offering concrete help can be invaluable. Consider dropping off a meal, picking up groceries, or running errands for them. Even small gestures—like taking care of their pets or handling a load of laundry—can provide much-needed relief. If they have other children, offering to babysit or help with school drop-offs can also be a huge help.

   
   

3. Listen Without Trying to “Fix” Things

   Listening to them and allowing them to share their feelings openly—without judgment or attempts to “fix” the situation—can be deeply comforting. NICU parents often feel a swirl of emotions, and being a non-judgmental listener offers a safe space for them to express these complex feelings. Let them know they’re not alone and that it’s okay to feel however they feel.

   
   

4. Respect Their Boundaries

   Every NICU journey is different, and every parent’s comfort level with sharing details will vary. Some parents might want to talk about every small update, while others might prefer to keep things private. Respect their wishes and take cues from them. If they don’t want to share certain information, let them know that you’re there for them in whatever way they need.

   
   

5. Celebrate Small Victories Together

   NICU parents live for those tiny milestones—like a weight gain, a good test result, or even a few hours without alarms. Celebrate these moments with them. A simple “I’m so proud of your little fighter!” message or a small card can bring some joy. Recognizing these achievements can help make the NICU journey feel a little less isolating, showing them that you’re there for every victory, no matter how small.

   
   

6. Remember Important Dates

   For parents with a baby in the NICU, time can feel like it’s standing still. Remembering special dates, like the baby’s original due date or a month “birthday,” can be incredibly meaningful. Sending a note or small gift on these days can be a comforting reminder that they’re not alone and that you’re celebrating with them every step of the way.

   
   

These actions may seem small, but they can make a huge difference. Showing you’re there to walk beside them through this difficult time can bring comfort and strength when they need it most.

Don’ts

1. Avoid Making Comparisons

   Though well-intentioned, comparisons can often come across as dismissive. Statements like, “My friend’s baby was born premature, and they’re fine now!” might feel like reassurance, but every NICU journey is different. Instead of comparisons, focus on offering empathy and understanding.

   
   

2. Don’t Ask Too Many Questions

   It’s natural to be curious and want updates, but NICU parents may not have the energy to keep everyone informed. Instead of pressing them for details, let them know that you’re there to listen if they want to share. Offering a low-pressure environment allows them to open up at their own pace.

   
   

3. Avoid Overly Positive Statements

   In tough times, phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “At least you’ll appreciate this experience later” can feel dismissive, even if they’re meant to be encouraging. NICU parents may feel a wide range of emotions, including frustration and sadness, and that’s okay. Instead, focus on validation. Phrases like, “This must be so hard for you,” or “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you” can be more comforting.

   
   

4. Don’t Overstay Your Welcome

   If you’re able to visit them at home or in the hospital waiting room, keep visits short and sweet. NICU parents are often exhausted and emotionally drained. While they may appreciate seeing a friendly face, long visits can add to their fatigue. Gauge their energy level and let them take the lead on how long they’d like to spend with you.

   
   

5. Don’t Offer Unsolicited Medical Advice

   Though you may have good intentions, avoid offering advice on their baby’s medical care or suggesting alternative treatments. NICU parents are already under medical guidance, and these types of comments can add stress. Instead, trust that they’re doing everything possible and simply offer support without judgment.

   
   

6. Avoid Saying “When the Baby Comes Home…”

   Every NICU baby’s timeline is different, and some parents may not know exactly when they’ll get to bring their baby home. Statements assuming a homecoming date, even with the best of intentions, can unintentionally add stress or pressure. Try to be sensitive to the unknowns they’re facing, and offer hope without setting expectations.

   
   

7. Don’t Forget About the Parents

   While the baby’s well-being is the main focus, remember that NICU parents also need support. Check in on how they’re doing, physically and emotionally. Let them know it’s okay to take breaks and care for themselves. Small gestures like offering a warm meal, a coffee, or even just a text of encouragement can go a long way in helping them feel seen and supported.

   
   

Being There Through the NICU Journey

The NICU journey is a path no parent expects to be on, and having supportive friends can make all the difference. While there’s no perfect guide to supporting a NICU family, simply being present, understanding, and considerate can mean the world. Every small act of kindness, every reminder that they’re not alone, helps lighten the load.

Remember, even small gestures can make a big difference. If you’re unsure what to do, simply ask your friend how they’re feeling and what they need most right now. It’s the genuine, thoughtful gestures that bring the most comfort. Whether it’s celebrating a milestone or just sitting with them in silence, your support is a powerful reminder that they have someone walking beside them through this challenging journey.