The First Question to Ask When Choosing a Birth Doula

When people start looking for a birth doula, they usually focus on things like training, packages, or how many births someone has attended. Those questions matter, sure — but they aren’t the first ones I encourage families to ask.

The real first question is simple!

“Do I feel safe, seen, and supported with this person?”

Everything else comes later.

Birth is intimate. Raw. Transformative. It cracks you open in ways you can’t prepare for, even when you’ve read all the books, watched all the videos, or lined up every labor tool. And because of that, the relationship you have with your doula matters more than any certification, gadget, or perfect birth plan.

I’ve been in birth rooms where things went beautifully calm and steady, and I’ve been in ones where plans shifted fast. I’ve sat with families through joy, fear, trauma, uncertainty, celebration — sometimes all in the same hour. And what I know for sure is that the presence of someone who makes you feel held changes everything.

It’s not about whether your doula uses rebozos, or knows every labor position, or has done thirty births or three. It’s about whether you can breathe a little easier around them. Whether your shoulders soften. Whether your intuition whispers, “I trust them.”

When you sit across from a doula — in person or on Zoom — notice what rises in your body. Do you feel judged? Rushed? Like you’re just another inquiry on their calendar? Or do you feel understood, respected, and cared for?

You deserve a doula who honors your story, your fears, your excitement, your boundaries, your identity, and your lived experiences. Someone who doesn’t flinch when you tell them the truth of what you’re carrying. Someone who supports your decisions — not their agenda.

For me, being a doula isn’t about making your birth look a certain way. It’s about walking beside you through something that will stay with you forever. I show up with compassion, honesty, and the understanding that no two journeys look the same. My NICU chapter, my postpartum struggles, and the long road I walked with Meadow shaped how I hold others. I know what it feels like to need someone who actually gets it.

So when you’re choosing your doula, start with this one question:

“Do I feel safe with you?”

If the answer is yes — if you feel grounded, heard, and supported — you can build everything else from there.

Birth deserves that kind of foundation.

You deserve that kind of foundation.